I dunno you'll have to ask Ryan, I was pretty fucking hammered at that point so I don't remember much beyond that. And something about them not being allowed to have teeth.
[And having to do paperwork if they did have teeth. Nightmare fuel honestly.]
Yeah, I don't neither, but like.. I can make you say nice things about yourself. That's how this shit works. [Hypocrisy at it's finest.] Okay getting naked is valid, but never know, he might view this as serious business time - not be swayed by dick.
Wow really? Not even a little freaked out by that? That shit always works on me. It's like my kryptonite.
[Who the fuck was Ryan?] Was this the drinking game I missed out on? I'm still mad about it. But that sounds...uh...weird?
[Klaus doesn't know how to feel about that right now.]
Are you sure that you are qualified to do that? I do not think so. You don't even listen to me when I say good things about you! How am I supposed to listen to you under these circumstances?! Impossible. [Klaus tilts their head.] Haven't run into a problem dick can't distract him from yet. Don't like the idea that there is something.
[And then they shake their head...you know...like a liar.] It's like...sooooo last childhood. Mom does it to me all the time.
Yeah. I'd say we should have a redo but I think everyone there learned their lesson. I lost track at about thirteen drinks in, I know Crichton was way past that at one point. Sharky had to carry me back to the ship and I don't even remember that until I woke up in my room totally unsure what day it was. And then faceplanted in the hallway.
No see that's not how this works. I'm supposed to make you have some self-esteem and shit. This isn't about me! You're twisting it. [He huffs and folds his arms.]
Uh-huh. Sure. How about this: we both agree to not shit talk ourselves for a full day and then we go make pizza out of the stuff in the buffet?
That’s just a disappointment to my whole brain. I think I would have won that party for sure. I can drink so much. [Sure he’d definitely have had to be carried back, too, but whatever. It would have been worth it. Also he could have annoyed everyone. It would have been great.]
As if you wouldn’t have done the same thing! [Klaus is not here to fight fair! They are here to win this encounter and also avoid being forced to be nice to themselves. Which is apparently a losing game.]
That’s gonna be hard. Does that mean we have to start at the beginning of the day?
Bro, I believe in you man. You totally would have. [Would have won Never Have I Ever, something that is definitely winnable. Whoever passes out last is the champion?]
This isn't Judge Dredd, I don't have to play by the rules when I am the law!
Yeah but considering neither of us wake up til like... noon, we have a headstart yeah? We got this. [They do not.]
You don't vote for the police yo. You can vote for my boss tho, if you lived in Montana anyway, and I think you'd get eaten alive.
[Pratt only got away with being such an obvious fuckboi because he was literally a police officer and even then he almost got kicked off the force by a douchebag running for senate.]
Wait.. when is Sharky sad?
[The first distraction didn't work but that one sure did!!]
Um. Okay. Sure. But still! Is that like supposed to sound sexy or is this just one of those uncomfortable moments in life? Just to be clear.
[Oh. Oops.]
Like last month after the possession stuff. We cuddled in the hot tub and talked about stuff and I threatened him with the police, but uhhh…you know. I was also drinking and I don’t remember why exactly that was.
Oh.. yeah that.. makes sense. [Weird how if avoiding Sharky so he doesn't find out about Pratt's failed guro attempt with Blackbeard means that Pratt is missing all the fallout from the trauma Sharky's going through from being possessed for a month.] Also I'm the police and he's deff not feeling threatened by me.
Though there's someone I met who used to be LAPD but she's not anymore. Don't remember her name.
[Klaus doesn't know that anyone is avoiding anyone at this point, but it's kinda sad.]
Well, maybe you just haven't been threatening enough? I can't be the police because I'm like...me. And not the police. Maybe if Diego shows up. Like, he's a discount Batman, but he went to the police academy for a little while! And if he still has his powers, he can throw a knife and make it land exactly where he wants it to. Once he threw a knife between my legs.
[There's just a sage nod here] But you know. That's how he says, 'I love you'. So he really loved me in a terrifying way. If your life isn't slightly threatened, do they really love you?
Yeaaaah so he knows me though. We got in a huge argument when he was in a holding cell once about what my fursona would be and Hudson had to come break it up. I don't think he's intimidated by me at all. Also he's like.. three times bigger than me.
[A little hard to be threatened by a guy you saw screaming out apologies as he was being tortured to death too. But Pratt isn't gonna bring that up. The less he thinks about that torture video the better.]
Sure but maybe not from a sibling? I dunno I don't have any but it would be kinda weird to throw knives at them? Is that weird? It feels like it would be weird.
He sort of mentioned something about that. [Klaus shrugs] He said you got cagey about it. Is it cause you don't want someone to know you have a fursona? Or do you just like...really hate fursonas that much? I'm pretty neutral on it myself. [A frown] But Sharky says he thinks he's like...only a raccoon or a possum. In a negative way, so I think he probably needs a little bolstering himself. I told him possums were cool cause they were immune to venom, but he didn't seem to think that was a cool selling point.
[But it's just one of those things. He's trying to give Pratt some stuff to maybe help Sharky. Maybe he'll listen to Pratt a little more than him. Maybe. It's fair. Klaus isn't sure they'd listen to themselves either.]
Ehhh. I mean, that's just kind of how things go? Or maybe we're just like...more fucked up than I really think about.
I wasn't cagey! He said my fursona was a fucking cartoon stupid dog. Fuck that noise. So then we got in a whole ass shouting match about it because he's wrong.
[Pratt folds his arms and glares, not at Klaus but just at the world in general. He's still annoyed by that. Sharky comparing him to a fucking Paw Patrol character. Screw that.]
Wait. Possums are immune to venom? Is that... is that true?
I wanna be a wolf but like.. Pretty sure I'm not. I dunno what my fursona would be but its' sure as fuck not that.
Huh. That's cool. Man weird stupid facts I remember way more than important shit. You know when you're in total and complete utter darkness? Like a windowless room? [Or tied to a chair in the basement of a bunker.] And when you look around it's not black? Like what you see is a weird grey color? That color is called Eigengrau.
Ehhhhh. You could be a wolf if you wanted. [Klaus isn't gonna stop you. Just encourage.]
Right? Dad taught us like everything at home. I don't know how much of anything I really retained, but that's fine. [They look thoughtful for a moment] Huh. Weird name, but cool. I don't know if I have any other cool facts.
That's the thing about a fursona; you can't just pick something it has to be like... part of your essence or whatever. You don't choose one, it chooses you. I think that's how Sharky put it anyway.
I spent too much time on the internet, I'm full of dumb facts. [Hmm. Klaus has pretty successfully gotten Pratt to stop threatening to tell Nobunaga he's being self deprecating again. Huff. ] Alright okay. So. You [Points.] and me, we're gonna go a whole day not being dicks to ourselves. Yeah? Deal?
[That sounds honestly boring. Like why not just do whatever you want? Why do there have to be arbitrary fursona rules.] I think we can make our own fursona rules here. Who is gonna fight you? I don’t think even Sharky will at this point. I just wanna be a cool little dude if I have to think of it.
The internet probably isn’t the same for me. Who knows, though? [Aw beans. He got back to the subject at hand] I was hoping you forgot about that.
Because then it's not a fursona, it's just someone being weird wearing an animal suit. Fursona's are a whole thing man, trust me.
[He has not forgotten.]
My memory is shit but that was like five minutes ago. You'll have to wait til at least tomorrow. Come on man, this is like important adult development we missed or something.
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[And having to do paperwork if they did have teeth. Nightmare fuel honestly.]
Yeah, I don't neither, but like.. I can make you say nice things about yourself. That's how this shit works. [Hypocrisy at it's finest.] Okay getting naked is valid, but never know, he might view this as serious business time - not be swayed by dick.
Wow really? Not even a little freaked out by that? That shit always works on me. It's like my kryptonite.
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[Klaus doesn't know how to feel about that right now.]
Are you sure that you are qualified to do that? I do not think so. You don't even listen to me when I say good things about you! How am I supposed to listen to you under these circumstances?! Impossible. [Klaus tilts their head.] Haven't run into a problem dick can't distract him from yet. Don't like the idea that there is something.
[And then they shake their head...you know...like a liar.] It's like...sooooo last childhood. Mom does it to me all the time.
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No see that's not how this works. I'm supposed to make you have some self-esteem and shit. This isn't about me! You're twisting it. [He huffs and folds his arms.]
Uh-huh. Sure. How about this: we both agree to not shit talk ourselves for a full day and then we go make pizza out of the stuff in the buffet?
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As if you wouldn’t have done the same thing! [Klaus is not here to fight fair! They are here to win this encounter and also avoid being forced to be nice to themselves. Which is apparently a losing game.]
That’s gonna be hard. Does that mean we have to start at the beginning of the day?
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This isn't Judge Dredd, I don't have to play by the rules when I am the law!
Yeah but considering neither of us wake up til like... noon, we have a headstart yeah? We got this. [They do not.]
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[Or not.] I didn't vote for you! [Does this matter? No, it does not!] This only counts when I use it against Sharky for being sad!
Oh. Yeah. You have a point. That is less time! [Ignoring that Klaus tends to be up late and also varying levels of drunk.]
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[Pratt only got away with being such an obvious fuckboi because he was literally a police officer and even then he almost got kicked off the force by a douchebag running for senate.]
Wait.. when is Sharky sad?
[The first distraction didn't work but that one sure did!!]
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[Oh. Oops.]
Like last month after the possession stuff. We cuddled in the hot tub and talked about stuff and I threatened him with the police, but uhhh…you know. I was also drinking and I don’t remember why exactly that was.
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Oh.. yeah that.. makes sense. [Weird how if avoiding Sharky so he doesn't find out about Pratt's failed guro attempt with Blackbeard means that Pratt is missing all the fallout from the trauma Sharky's going through from being possessed for a month.] Also I'm the police and he's deff not feeling threatened by me.
Though there's someone I met who used to be LAPD but she's not anymore. Don't remember her name.
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[Klaus doesn't know that anyone is avoiding anyone at this point, but it's kinda sad.]
Well, maybe you just haven't been threatening enough? I can't be the police because I'm like...me. And not the police. Maybe if Diego shows up. Like, he's a discount Batman, but he went to the police academy for a little while! And if he still has his powers, he can throw a knife and make it land exactly where he wants it to. Once he threw a knife between my legs.
[There's just a sage nod here] But you know. That's how he says, 'I love you'. So he really loved me in a terrifying way. If your life isn't slightly threatened, do they really love you?
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[A little hard to be threatened by a guy you saw screaming out apologies as he was being tortured to death too. But Pratt isn't gonna bring that up. The less he thinks about that torture video the better.]
Sure but maybe not from a sibling? I dunno I don't have any but it would be kinda weird to throw knives at them? Is that weird? It feels like it would be weird.
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[But it's just one of those things. He's trying to give Pratt some stuff to maybe help Sharky. Maybe he'll listen to Pratt a little more than him. Maybe. It's fair. Klaus isn't sure they'd listen to themselves either.]
Ehhh. I mean, that's just kind of how things go? Or maybe we're just like...more fucked up than I really think about.
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[Pratt folds his arms and glares, not at Klaus but just at the world in general. He's still annoyed by that. Sharky comparing him to a fucking Paw Patrol character. Screw that.]
Wait. Possums are immune to venom? Is that... is that true?
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[Because it does. Sharky did not mention the cartoon dog of it all. Klaus wouldn’t have chosen that either.]
Yeah. And the honey badger. I don’t know why I have this information in my brain, but it’s in there.
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Huh. That's cool. Man weird stupid facts I remember way more than important shit. You know when you're in total and complete utter darkness? Like a windowless room? [Or tied to a chair in the basement of a bunker.] And when you look around it's not black? Like what you see is a weird grey color? That color is called Eigengrau.
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Right? Dad taught us like everything at home. I don't know how much of anything I really retained, but that's fine. [They look thoughtful for a moment] Huh. Weird name, but cool. I don't know if I have any other cool facts.
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I spent too much time on the internet, I'm full of dumb facts. [Hmm. Klaus has pretty successfully gotten Pratt to stop threatening to tell Nobunaga he's being self deprecating again. Huff. ] Alright okay. So. You [Points.] and me, we're gonna go a whole day not being dicks to ourselves. Yeah? Deal?
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The internet probably isn’t the same for me. Who knows, though? [Aw beans. He got back to the subject at hand] I was hoping you forgot about that.
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[He has not forgotten.]
My memory is shit but that was like five minutes ago. You'll have to wait til at least tomorrow. Come on man, this is like important adult development we missed or something.
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[He doesn't actually care, but it probably sounds like he does]
Yeah, but like...ugggghhhh. I already hate it and I haven't even started! I'm gonna make it like two seconds.
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[Points to eyes, points to Klaus. He's watching you buddy.]
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[It's a good thing this starts tomorrow, right?] Does that mean we can do something more fun now? Like..uhh...something else?
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[RNG of Pratt's mind is spinning, spinning... ]
Pizza. Come on.
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