You...oh. [This earns a few extra little top of the head kisses.]
Don't ever cut off your emotions, okay? I know...I know I pretend I'm fine all the time, but...don't. I love you and I want you to feel...whatever it is your feeling even if it's sad or angry.
I love you too... [Mumbles directly into Klaus' chest and moves to lace their fingers together! Hands are more intimate than sex anyway!] Such a cult leader thing to say. Kennyo said the same. That no one should freeze themselves; their own heart.
But it is a lot to withstand, and even without the political consequences... simply being in my presence while I'm like this hurts others.
It is not that I do not want to love: as an action, a commitment, not an emotion, but the swirling thoughts of despair and rage feel like they'll overwhelm me like a maelstrom. At least frozen is slow enough to give others time to escape.
I love you. [Kisses Klaus' chest.] I do not think I have known true fear before. Not like this. It is not bad. I have never allowed myself anything that would soften my resolve or present doubt. But it is still terrifying.
[Klaus lightly squeezes his fingers.] Well, he's not wrong about that anyway.
Yeah. Sometimes that's going to happen. But if you never work through your feelings because having them could hurt someone, then you're going to keep hurting people, you know?
I know it's a lot. And the dark feelings are hard. That's why I drank a lot...outside of the ghosts. You just...need to find a way to work through it that doesn't drag others into it...or at least if others are there, it's healthy for both of you.
[Klaus' free hand runs over Nobunaga's back.] I'm sorry I scared you. I love you, too.
No. I was scared of disappointing you. Hurting you. Making you cry. And then I did exactly that, and I couldn't fix it. Yato said I should talk it out too, but I don't really understand it all. The weight and significance.
Now that I've already made you cry, a lot, not on purpose, I fear it less. I do... fear losing you but... [Nobunaga kisses Klaus' cheek!] Talk to me. Are you still scared too, or is it just the physical symptoms and need to recover? I am less worried the more I can help you. It is like Max Maximum and baking. Even though I need to love myself without externalizing it so much... I still must externalize it at least a little. Because the fear isn't for myself, so it can't come wholly within.
You felt helpless, yes? Part of why you're always getting stronger. Levitating so if I fall through decks, you can catch me. Going sober now so you aren't inebriated mid-combat. I am very proud of you, my love. It hasn't gone unnoticed. [Gently rubs his thumb over the top of Klaus' hand!]
I mean...duh. Cause feelings are important. Even the uncomfortable ones.
[Klaus figures being afraid of him leaving was a big deal, which makes things scary. And he feels bad about it. Even if it was like...a lot.]
Oh. [They smile a little.] Well, I mean...you did, but it happens...I think we're occasionally going to disappoint one another, but I think we have to talk about those moments, too. I guess.
[Klaus nuzzles at him a little] I'm...I guess I'm scared, but I guess of other things. I don't want to hurt you or myself or something...but I'm okay. I mean...I'm terrified I'm going to disappoint myself and everyone by fucking up my sobriety, I guess...
[There's a light nose boop] I'm going sober for different reasons. I don't want to...be the same person I was back home. I don't want to drown everything out and be a disappointment because I'm too scared to let people have expectations of me. I want to be worth all the praise that people keep giving me. I want to be worth all the expectations. I...want people...to think I'm worth something and to feel like that's true. You know?
[Gently takes their hand and kisses it slowly all over.]
But it will be okay, even if something happens. I will always love you, and I'll pick you back up and we'll fix things. Mistakes are okay. As long as you keep learning from them. And I want to be by your side no matter what.
[Despite not feeling like hand holding is really that intimate, the knowledge of Nobunaga's feelings makes the kisses feel all that more intimate and there's a brief moment where he considers ignoring himself and letting Nobunaga have his way with him. But they don't. It's probably more of a way to avoid talking about these feelings and that's not going to work. They can't replace alcohol with sex in that way.]
It's not going to feel okay. For me. I know I'm going to be stressed and upset and overthinking it until I don't. Then again, I might always be overthinking it. But I'm grateful to have you. You make it feel less daunting.
[Nobunaga won't let them~! Though for once he's not really reading Klaus' mind.]
I will overrule that foolish voice in your head even so. I will hold you to a higher standard than I have been, only because this pain is too great for the both of us. So soak it in now so that we need not do it again. [Gently rests his head on Klaus' chest, listening to their heartbeat.] Thisis what we both want, so we will make it so. Isn't that what being partners means?
[Klaus looks up at the ceiling for a moment. Just letting his mind drift a little.] It’s just trying to like…I dunno. Be my mind, I guess? But blah. I’m sorry it sucks for you, too. I guess I’m kind of gross and annoying like this. And like…I don’t do much. [This is most assuredly not what Nobunaga meant.]
Yeah. I guess so. Ugh. I just hate feeling like a weird slug creature. So slimy and endangered by salt.
You aren't. You are gorgeous and shining like a glowing gorgeous star. I look forward to your transformation, though you feel like a pupae, I know you will be a gorgeous poisonous butterfly, and I will stab anyone who isn't worthy enough of your attention to see how you could be right now. [Kisses them gently all over!]
[Klaus feels warm and light. It's the most ridiculous thing how Nobunaga could say something and change the way he felt about himself in a moment.] I love you.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-01-25 05:41 am (UTC)[And god.... the scritches feel better than sex this minute!]
[Just lightly pushes his head into it more!]
Emotions.
[Is what he wants to cut off. Which would make it difficult for him to fuck since he is definitely an emotional sex pursuer or whatever.]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-25 07:06 am (UTC)You...oh. [This earns a few extra little top of the head kisses.]
Don't ever cut off your emotions, okay? I know...I know I pretend I'm fine all the time, but...don't. I love you and I want you to feel...whatever it is your feeling even if it's sad or angry.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-25 11:24 am (UTC)I love you too... [Mumbles directly into Klaus' chest and moves to lace their fingers together! Hands are more intimate than sex anyway!] Such a cult leader thing to say. Kennyo said the same. That no one should freeze themselves; their own heart.
But it is a lot to withstand, and even without the political consequences... simply being in my presence while I'm like this hurts others.
It is not that I do not want to love: as an action, a commitment, not an emotion, but the swirling thoughts of despair and rage feel like they'll overwhelm me like a maelstrom. At least frozen is slow enough to give others time to escape.
I love you. [Kisses Klaus' chest.] I do not think I have known true fear before. Not like this. It is not bad. I have never allowed myself anything that would soften my resolve or present doubt. But it is still terrifying.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-26 12:54 am (UTC)Yeah. Sometimes that's going to happen. But if you never work through your feelings because having them could hurt someone, then you're going to keep hurting people, you know?
I know it's a lot. And the dark feelings are hard. That's why I drank a lot...outside of the ghosts. You just...need to find a way to work through it that doesn't drag others into it...or at least if others are there, it's healthy for both of you.
[Klaus' free hand runs over Nobunaga's back.] I'm sorry I scared you. I love you, too.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-26 04:52 am (UTC)[Klaus scared him??? Did Klaus scare him???]
No. I was scared of disappointing you. Hurting you. Making you cry. And then I did exactly that, and I couldn't fix it. Yato said I should talk it out too, but I don't really understand it all. The weight and significance.
Now that I've already made you cry, a lot, not on purpose, I fear it less. I do... fear losing you but... [Nobunaga kisses Klaus' cheek!] Talk to me. Are you still scared too, or is it just the physical symptoms and need to recover? I am less worried the more I can help you. It is like Max Maximum and baking. Even though I need to love myself without externalizing it so much... I still must externalize it at least a little. Because the fear isn't for myself, so it can't come wholly within.
You felt helpless, yes? Part of why you're always getting stronger. Levitating so if I fall through decks, you can catch me. Going sober now so you aren't inebriated mid-combat. I am very proud of you, my love. It hasn't gone unnoticed. [Gently rubs his thumb over the top of Klaus' hand!]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-26 06:48 am (UTC)[Klaus figures being afraid of him leaving was a big deal, which makes things scary. And he feels bad about it. Even if it was like...a lot.]
Oh. [They smile a little.] Well, I mean...you did, but it happens...I think we're occasionally going to disappoint one another, but I think we have to talk about those moments, too. I guess.
[Klaus nuzzles at him a little] I'm...I guess I'm scared, but I guess of other things. I don't want to hurt you or myself or something...but I'm okay. I mean...I'm terrified I'm going to disappoint myself and everyone by fucking up my sobriety, I guess...
[There's a light nose boop] I'm going sober for different reasons. I don't want to...be the same person I was back home. I don't want to drown everything out and be a disappointment because I'm too scared to let people have expectations of me. I want to be worth all the praise that people keep giving me. I want to be worth all the expectations. I...want people...to think I'm worth something and to feel like that's true. You know?
no subject
Date: 2023-01-26 08:41 am (UTC)[Gently takes their hand and kisses it slowly all over.]
But it will be okay, even if something happens. I will always love you, and I'll pick you back up and we'll fix things. Mistakes are okay. As long as you keep learning from them. And I want to be by your side no matter what.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-27 05:49 am (UTC)It's not going to feel okay. For me. I know I'm going to be stressed and upset and overthinking it until I don't. Then again, I might always be overthinking it. But I'm grateful to have you. You make it feel less daunting.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-27 06:13 am (UTC)I will overrule that foolish voice in your head even so. I will hold you to a higher standard than I have been, only because this pain is too great for the both of us. So soak it in now so that we need not do it again. [Gently rests his head on Klaus' chest, listening to their heartbeat.] Thisis what we both want, so we will make it so. Isn't that what being partners means?
no subject
Date: 2023-01-27 07:37 am (UTC)Yeah. I guess so. Ugh. I just hate feeling like a weird slug creature. So slimy and endangered by salt.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-27 08:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-01-28 03:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-01-30 02:46 am (UTC)