[Feeding Klaus an ice cream waffle sandwich he made for him while talking to Karkat!]
Umbrella rules are always in effect, this conversation is going to be heavy, so if it gets too much, tap out okay?
[Now to just... think it through. The starting.] You and Ari keep calling me good, but I think of people as weapons. I don't really get where that isn't like... [SLOWLY:] Your father... except I don't kill my own soldiers. Because my pride is in them not dying. Being stronger than death. [Furrowed brow!]
[He's trying to spit it out, but honestly, that's as good as he has so far!] I want them to be more than just a solider. Like Pratt. Or you. But is what I do really any different?
[Klaus goes very still for a moment when umbrella rules are always in effect is how the conversation starts. He absolutely does not like hard conversations. It's veeeeeeeeery concerning. To his brain and his emotional state.]
[Unfortunately it is also bad for his digestion and he's forced to put the waffle and ice cream off to the side, looking down.]
[Klaus shifts uncomfortably, wishing they had alcohol. That is really what should have been brought for this conversation.]
Um. Do you...uh...I'm... [This is going great.] Do you think of me as a weapon?
[Nobunaga instantly moves to pick Klaus up and put them in his lap.]
[How can he make this better? CAN he make this better?]
Okay. Deep breath. Take a deep breath for me, okay, love? [Gently folds his hands around Klaus' waist and rests his head on Klaus' shoulder.]
[Does he view Klaus as a weapon? This is the hardest question he's ever been asked. There's no right answer. Nobunaga thinks of EVERYONE as a weapon. This is the problem. Mai? Lucky Charm. Weapon. Yes. All of his soldiers? Yes. But that's different because they are explicitly his weapons. Generals too. People he hasn't met yet? Yes.]
[Partner.]
Not just a weapon? [A wince. Fuck. That's bad.]
[Nobunaga places a finger over Klaus' lips.]
I sent Oichi away. So she wouldn't... couldn't be a weapon. So I couldn't use her. Sell her or risk her breaking. In my contract with Teyrey, she's a weapon. But it's okay because she's in my army. You are not.
I've called you my sheathe before, yes? So in this way you are nearly an anti-weapon. You protect me, and others from me.
There is... nothing I do not think of as a weapon. Even ice cream. The only weapon I will never use is hate. I think I told you this before. I have seen the harm it causes, and it is the one weapon I won't use. But... yes. People... even you... I think of as weapons.
[Klaus lets himself be picked up, pulled into Nobunaga's lap, but he's no less still once he's there because he's waiting for whatever he says.]
[And it's probably a good thing he put his finger over their lips because they don't even know what to say. Not just a weapon.]
[The words do not help him feel any more settled than he just did. It's the truth at least, but they can feel the pricking sensation of tears forming and they look up trying to blink it away because that seems more reasonable than letting himself actually cry. But if Nobunaga notices that...Klaus doesn't want him to feel bad about it, so they're just gonna bury their face against his shoulder instead. That's obviously much better and much less obvious.]
[Even still, it doesn't stop his voice from sounding strained and thick.] I...I don't want to be a weapon. [This is just old trauma sitting there in his mind.] I just...just... [They do their best to draw in their breath slowly and quietly to hide the sound of how close to actually crying they really are.]
[And suddenly he just kind of wants to roll out of Nobunaga's lap and lie face down elsewhere. But he's also aware this would probably make things worse and he does believe Nobunaga is a good person. A person with a flawed view on the world because of his life, but...rational thinking is complicated in this moment.]
[Nobunaga lets go, ready to grab a blanket or anything to fix this.]
[Shit.]
[Shit.]
Okay. I'm sorry. I won't... shit. I'm sorry.
[So yeah. There was definitely NO good way to ask the follow up. It's an answer.]
Klaus... Just be you, okay? You don't -- I don't want you to do things you hate anymore. I'm sorry.
[This was SO Much worse than broaching the torture by Imagawa to Ieyasu. Which is on Nobunaga for even trying. For thinking there was any possibly good way to go about this.]
It's-- [He thinks, what gesture might be okay, and oh so gently, like he could break Klaus with a touch, does his best to hold their hand.] I wasn't asking so I can use you as a weapon, okay? I know that doesn't fix it, I'm sorry, it's just important for you to know that.
[Being let go almost ends with Klaus just rolling out of Nobunaga's lap again. Emotions are the dumbest things ever.]
[They just nod quietly as he says he can just be him. That's all he wants. He doesn't want to be a weapon. Really only wants to learn weapons to protect himself and make Diego annoyed if he ever shows up because now he can fight with weapons. Why would that annoy Diego? Klaus doesn't know. It just feels right.]
[He lets Nobunaga take his hand, fingers still carefully lacing because it's just a habit now.] W-what did you ask for? [Their voice is soft, very quiet.]
[Holding Klaus hand is the only reason Nobunaga is able to keep breathing. A lifeline anchor to his very sanity. Or soul. Something anyway.]
[He laughs uneasily! Because it's really damn funny.]
I wanted to ask if there was a possible good way to tell someone you see them as a potential weapon for nefarious aims.
Clearly not!
Not you. You're the keeper of my soul, and I love you. But... as I said... [Everyone is weapon.]
Klaus, babe, I mean it. Clarke Griffin once asked me what I use as a weapon. There is nothing I do not. The terrain, floor, anything nearby. I... love that you make weapons very very sexy. I love this most, okay? [Kisses Klaus' knuckles and in between them.] I'm sorry for bringing up your father. I thought maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if he just told you all what he planned. If he just said, "I want to create my idea of a better world, and use you to get there." [Winces.] I suppose not.
I am truly sorry, my love.
[He hopes this just means Reginald is more like Saito Dosan than himself. Hopes. Though he still.... really worries.]
What nefarious aims? [Because like...if it's sexy, that's...probably different than like...something else. But....he's still sniffling and wiping at his eyes, feeling stupid for crying at this point.]
Can I just be your hot partner that you like most of everyone ever in the whole world? That's much better.
[They feel stupid still because it shouldn't have made them react that way. They should be able to deal with shit. That's what the trauma is for! To make you immune to the trauma, right? Shouldn't it be?]
We'd never have done it. [It's honest enough. But their dad never told them what he planned and it likely wasn't something that benefited them in the slightest.] And he...he's never given a shit about us or making a better world. Just getting what he wants at any cost.
[He hates this. Hates feeling like this. Hates that it's even a thing that still seems to bother him somehow.] Sorry I'm so...this. I'm sorry.
Again, not you. You are. Klaus... of course. You are my hot partner. That I love most of everyone and everything. You are my treasure I would build an army to protect. Or prevent other armies from being created so you never have to cry again.
[Cuddles! Resting one hand around Klaus' waist and grabbing the ice cream sandwich with the other to hold nearby if Klaus is able to try for it.]
You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. You are perfect as you are and I love this part of you too.
I'm probably going to cry again, but... [He lets out a long sigh.] Not everyone wants to be a weapon and you probably could just...not...do that. And I don't think you can do world domination here anyway.
[They're casually aware of the ice cream sandwich, but it's not something they actually care about right now. They're trying to find the way to...explain everything.] I'm not the only one that's...a lot of people have been forced into it and...and maybe like...don't come at it like that. Cause I know you're not...like my dad. My dad wouldn't have given a shit that I got upset. He would have probably used it against me or ignored it entirely.
You don't do that. [But he just...wants him to be very very careful anyway.] You just...it's probably not a great idea. Okay? No one needs to be a weapon.
[And now to address the other elephant in the room.] I'm not very hungry right now. I know it can't really wait, but I'll get a new one later. Okay? You can eat that one if you want.
[Sets the ice cream sandwich down. Makes note for later.]
I'm not forcing anyone. That's the --
Okay, so there's two Oda mottos. Join or Die, and rule the world by force. [Finger back over Klaus' lips.]
However, join or die just meant I9 give people protection if they joined. Everyone dies somehow. And there's no escaping the wars in hell. I didn't draft everyone. Not everyone has to be a soldier. Merchants, smiths, farmers, artists, musicians, even circus performers, or puppeteers, all these things are important to my dream to return us back to Earth. Luxuries are important. I helped people pursue their ambitions of production, but not if they were dead set on working against me.
Rule the world by force is also... it means I'll do what it takes. Even if it's unpopular. Even though I'm hated. World domination here means freeing the ghosts, and everyone else who can be, giving purpose to those who feel lost like Teyrey, and pitting my ambition to achieve the best afterlife even against gods and would-be gods like the Captain. Instead of conquering,9 I intend to use him, and create a world here where people can still achieve their ambitions, even as copies.
To be a weapon who can do that... means that killing is pointless. [Kisses Klaus' temple.] It means you are so strong, I know you can persevere when things go wrong to protect my ambition, and not let anything disrupt it. It means you will let me use your body when I get frustrated and remind me of more important things. It means you are so indomitable, I can show Teyrey sumo throws, and you do not break. It means you have my heart.
Karkat is a troll species, like Eridan. Their society is very demonic. They must become world conquerors at the same age I had to. He said to put up with him talking, I must be a masochist. [Dark laugh.] How like myself, I suppose!
I said no, I just saw potential in him, and as a leader, I pride myself on making sure there are no weaknesses in all of my domain. There is no one so small I will not pay attention to them when they are having troubles. He mistook this to mean I wanted him to be a leader again, but I do not.
I do not have the words for this thing. The potential, and something else: the weapon. I knew I would have to be delicate in asking you, and I failed, but perhaps... it isn't a matter of correct words. Perhaps, "seeing your ambitions through furthers my own goals" is still too incredulous. Especially for a first meeting.
I know it is different, because Reginald raised you, and there's no escape from that, but....
I am sorry my love. I did not wish to remind you of terrible things. [Kisses Klaus' temple again!]
[Klaus kind of hates both of those mottos. Even with the explanation. So many people always thinking about fighting and about how to stay in wars that don't even exist and Klaus has been trying to escape them all this time only to end up here.]
I'm not sure we can use the Captain to further anything. I don't think that everyone wants to either. [There's a sigh here.] I'm...I can live with you thinking I'm a weapon because I can ignore it, but I don't want to be talked about like I'm a weapon. Please. I call umbrella on that. [At least his voice seems more certain, more sure now.]
[They think quietly for a moment, trying to get the rest of their thoughts in order.] Maybe all you needed to say was that you could see they were struggling and that you wanted to be there to support them. As a friend.
Babe, sometimes you say things and I know you're trying to help, but...like not everyone responds well to like...having someone push them if they don't want to be pushed. Sometimes you have to accept that someone doesn't want to be and that you need to like...be okay with that and instead of doubling down on things, like...let it be. [He looks up at him finally after what feels like forever.] Not everyone responds to things the same. Some people need time and softness. Some people do respond well to being pushed, but some just...don't. And you can't help people to realize anything about their potential if you aren't willing to adjust your approach to it.
[It feels bad to like...critique someone's general way of doing things, but...] Just talk to people normally and get to know how they best deal with things, what works and doesn't. Without your ambitions or anything being part of it. Okay?
[Klaus =/= weapon. The one exception among the universe and everything in it now.]
[Is a partner a weapon? NOT ANYMORE.]
[And he gets it. Weapons can have purposes other than killing, or pain, but it is still their primary function. What they were made for. And furthermore, a weapon can be used by someone else to cause that pain. So it's double banned for Klaus, because Nobunaga will kill everyone else to prevent that from happening... He can't 100%, he cannot, but he can try really really hard. This is Klaus' freedom, so he will protect it.]
I cannot say that. You and Ari are wrong about me. I'm not good. I don't just meet someone and care that they're in pain except for how it benefits or hurts me.
I have 4 friends. Which is 4 more than I've ever had before here. You, Crichton, Teyrey, and Siffleur. [Hesitantly...] And I do not know how Maeve counts, but perhaps. I'm not looking for friends, and I am not capable of just --
[It's heartbreaking. He doesn't want to. But he picks Klaus up, and sets him back aside so he can get up and move, get space from Klaus, terrified he'll hurt them suddenly just by being like this, and talking about these things, by being so close physically or touching them.]
[Deep breath.] I am not capable of being normal. I do not understand what you or Crichton or Ari see in me, but it's not there. Don't expect so much from me. Just because I love you doesn't make me trustworthy. I can no sooner separate my ambition from how I treat people than I can stop loving you. It is an impossible request, do not ask it of me.
You're not a weapon. [Hoarse. So hoarse. And teetering on the edge of slipping his voice into demonic range.] That I can do. But normal people don't embrace being a demon. I am what I am, Klaus. Don't expect better, it's not something I can give. [He wonders if he should leave. Bolt. Go elsewhere to cool his head.]
[Klaus does feel the separation in that moment. They just want to lie there on the bed in their emotions and this is...perhaps....their first fight? Is this a fight? God. He hates it already]
You... [There's a sigh.] You're... [They are really trying to think of the words, but the words are failing them.] You are something better. You just refused to acknowledge it for some reason. Like you're already giving up.
I'm not giving up. [He does look back at him briefly, but then back towards the door.]
You're just wrong.
The only thing that makes me better than Saito Dosan or others like him is that my ambition is more vast. And you tell me not to think of how others fit into it? Tch. You're very wrong, Klaus.
[Instead of just lying with his face pressed into the bed, Klaus pushes up to sit more carefully, scooching forward so he can sit more properly.] I'm not wrong.
[Frowns.] You are a good person. You might make mistakes or not understand things or push too hard when you shouldn't. [He wants to get closer, but also is trying to respect that Nobunaga needs space] But you just push people away every time they try to tell you that you're a good person. Tell them they're wrong.
[He can't help staring at his lap, fidgeting slightly.] You say you love me and you keep pushing me away when I say something that goes against the way that you perceive yourself. And you're... [He frowns. Change the language] It feels like you're not listening to me. I know we don't have the same way of looking at things sometimes and that's...that's trauma and life experiences. Things just being different.
And maybe I'm not listening a little, too. But I care about you so much. And I don't want you to...to make enemies because you can't figure out talking to different people. I don't want you to get hurt. Physically or emotionally because you say something and it rubs someone the wrong way and...stuff.
I am listening. [He comes back to the bed, kneeling in front of it so Klaus can put his hands wherever on Nobunaga. Not just look so sad and lost. Especially not for Nobunaga's sake.]
[Make enemies...]
[The whole world should hate him, right? Then it means they will at least work to the proper goals. Even if they use him like a god, then as long as they still hate him, then it means they'll fight to free themselves of gods too.]
[His minds is swirling with too many thoughts at once, so he has to box a lot of them up to focus on Klaus.]
I'm not hurt.
[Physically or emotionally. Is he? He doesn't know. He can tell Klaus is hurting though, so there's that.]
[And Nobunaga is scared. If he was stronger, he could say that. He's petrified. Scared to death of hurting Klaus more by being there, by being close, by asking these things. Scared of failing him, because he cannot be normal in his own world and time, how is he supposed to be normal now? Somewhere with so much culture clash, and ideas he doesn't understand, like privacy, and not treating people like weapons.]
I don't care if it rubs people the wrong way. [Gently picks up Klaus' hands and covers it tenderly in kisses.] Only you. [Because he doesn't like hurting Klaus. He hates it. More than anything. More than he hates the castes.]
[Klaus just reaches out for Nobunaga, forcing himself to look up at him. It isn't that he wants Nobunaga to pack away feelings that he's having because of feelings he is having himself. That's not fair, but he doesn't know.]
[That's a lie. Klaus isn't five.]
I don't know. I think you are because you seemed upset that you made Karkat upset...or think the wrong thing. I think you care more than you're willing to admit. [He smiles at the kisses, squirming his way off the bed. Once they are sitting on the floor, they reach out, pulling Nobunaga a little closer for a kiss.] It's okay to feel things, you know. I mean, I guess it's...fine if you don't, but you don't have to act like you don't if you do.
[Nobunaga kisses Klaus at the gesture, and then hesitantly picks Klaus back up, and sits on the bed again, with Klaus on his lap. Klaus doesn't belong on the floor. And if Nobunaga's self-punishment is going to cause that, then he will stop. He remembers Klaus sleeping on the floor after Halloween, and just... never again. Not while Nobunaga is there and aware enough to stop it.]
I didn't upset Karkat. [Quietly and he just gently pets Klaus' hair, remembering brushing it before, and already debating doing so again.] He was already upset. He barricaded off the library, and I offered to take him to get ice cream to talk through the pain he was experiencing.
He called me a masochist, and just -- [A headtilt, and he goes back to covering Klaus' knuckles in kisses, takes a deep breath, and hugs them very close, breathing softly into their shoulder.]
That is when I said it was because I saw potential in him. Not as a leader. Even though it reminded me of Ieyasu, I have already trained Ieyasu once. I could not do it again. And Clarke is who I will set the future on, maybe even more if she doesn't like it. I saw the potential in him as --
[A weapon.]
I am scared. [Quietly. Into Klaus' shoulder. And blinks away tears.] The idea that I hurt you... that I might, that I --
I know, you're a masochist, but not like this. Not for this. And this is not in my control. And I am... [Sighs into Klaus' shoulder.] Not able to promise to stop being myself. I don't want to be someone you don't love. I don't want to be someone even capable of hurting you -- in a way you do not like.
[Klaus doesn't understand why they're moving when he got down onto the floor to be closer to Nobunaga, but they aren't going to argue about being moved. Will just settle in his lap.]
I don't know that I would call you a masochist. [You didn't have to be a masochist to enjoy nails down your back or the feeling of almost any of the things they'd done. He didn't ask if he wanted to be whipped or choked, but he seemed more interested in providing those things.] But...sometimes you do seem to like to punish yourself for things.
[Klaus runs his hands over Nobunaga's back.] I can set boundaries for myself if I have to. [Their voice is soft.] I don't want you to stop being you, babe. I love you. Even if you did some stuff and will still do some stuff. I just...would like you to try to consider things and if you need me to help you, I will. But you're not home and some things aren't the same. I tried to tell Ari the same thing, but she's...you're both so stubborn.
[Squints.] I'm still here. Having this conversation we both hate. But you shouldn't have to be on the floor with me. So if I have to be gentler on myself in order to give you the better things you deserve, I will.
[Growls lightly at the hands and hisses a breath through his teeth. Although not painful, at times like this, where he is emotional, and scared of hurting Klaus, all the more tender Klaus is to him, the more he cannot reconcile it to his head. The thinking he deserves the fires of hell, not the pleasures of heaven.]
I am the stubbornest man in history. If ever I meet someone more stubborn than me, I'll have to give up my Demon King of 6th Heaven title. And I am quite proud of it. All the more because I shouldn't be, it's not that kind of thing. [And took a genocide to achieve. So...]
Do not think you are not stubborn either, Lucky Number. You are even worse than Teyrey, and it is this I love about you as well.
[Because furniture is a luxury weirdo who isn't eating ice cream and how is that not self punishment either?]
Damn right I won't. [Growl growls. And nips Klaus' nose tip.]
This, for starters. That I am good, even though I'm hurting you and making you remember things that makes you cry. That you are sexy trash, even though I refuse to throw you away. That you try to look after everyone, and still think you are only good for being pretty and superficial even though it's obviously not the case. That Ari had to write into her contract with me that I am not allowed to continue playing Siffleur's game, even though I would surely win eventually, because you shouldn't have to suffer and I should just look after you properly. If these things are not stubbornness, than I might as well give up my title already, because I clearly don't know what stubborn is.
[Klaus scrunches his nose slightly.] You always bite when you're emotional.
[They listen, to all the things he has to say.]
You've upset me, yeah. And okay, sure. I cried. [He sighs.] But that's...if I ran away from it, then we'd never resolve it or talk it out and then we'd...we'd just always be here. [They don't want to mention that if they just never tried, they might have broken up because that seems dumb. Especially when he's said such likely truthful things.] I do kind of have dead boyfriend trauma. Sorry. Just...you already died once and that was...a lot. I know I can't stop you from dying all the time and I know that things will happen, but...I hate the idea of you going into things on purpose. I love you so much that...[There's a sad look on his face] It's just...hard. Which is part of you not...always considering other people before doing things.
I've learned that's...kind of a part of you. Of your being a demon king. You're not used to having to consider other people and I get it. Which is...why I'm asking you to. You're considering how your actions can further your goals, but not exactly how it's affecting...whoever else is involved. I'm trying to be okay with it, to accept it, but...it's difficult.
[Nobunaga curls up around Klaus like a warm weighted blanket, or emotional support lion.]
That's not... actually... true. In Hell. I had to consider my entire army always. I wasn't allowed to do whatever I wanted. I was never free. I couldn't even sail away to go exploring without resolving the entire country first. I couldn't get injured or Hideyoshi would go insane, and try to get revenge, and try to become the Demon King instead, and he's better than that.
I do have to consider how... everything I do affects others. Including you, even though you are not a weapon to be used by anyone. You are just zen.
[HUG! HUG HUG HUG!]
The only other woman I ever loved was named Kitsuno. I hate hearing her name, so do not mention it outside of this.
She was tortured by--
[Oh. He's crying. Why is he crying?]
[He tries to blink it away, but it's still coming???] By the gods. I guess. Or health. Or just fate. I don't know. She was the world to me for a long time. [Stop crying.] I couldn't tell her I loved her, because politics, and she was dying, so it would have been cruel and pointless. When she died, the religious told me it was her time. That it was destiny, for her to be tortured, and die, and I just... couldn't accept it. I know if I made the country better, then--
[He would REALLY like to stop crying now.]
[Ugh, he just lays sideways and briefly covers his head with a pillow until he can compose himself.]
[And gently bops Klaus with the pillow when he's calm enough.]
So I ... I don't want you to feel like that. But even just looking after my soldiers is why Ari was able to write in the clause anyway. [Hiccup. And another light pillow bop.] It's not that I'm not thinking about how it could affect someone, if I was, I wouldn't have asked you in the first place. It's that... to me it's still worth the price. If the world is some kind of place that people get tortured and no one things it can get better, then it doesn't deserve to exist anyway. [Finger over Klaus' lips again.] But I know it can get better. I have seen it.
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timeasmymeasure
Backdated to mid-Nov. pre-expedition // Action
Date: 2022-11-28 05:22 am (UTC)[Feeding Klaus an ice cream waffle sandwich he made for him while talking to Karkat!]
Umbrella rules are always in effect, this conversation is going to be heavy, so if it gets too much, tap out okay?
[Now to just... think it through. The starting.] You and Ari keep calling me good, but I think of people as weapons. I don't really get where that isn't like... [SLOWLY:] Your father... except I don't kill my own soldiers. Because my pride is in them not dying. Being stronger than death. [Furrowed brow!]
[He's trying to spit it out, but honestly, that's as good as he has so far!] I want them to be more than just a solider. Like Pratt. Or you. But is what I do really any different?
no subject
Date: 2022-11-28 07:18 am (UTC)[Unfortunately it is also bad for his digestion and he's forced to put the waffle and ice cream off to the side, looking down.]
[Klaus shifts uncomfortably, wishing they had alcohol. That is really what should have been brought for this conversation.]
Um. Do you...uh...I'm... [This is going great.] Do you think of me as a weapon?
no subject
Date: 2022-11-28 07:40 am (UTC)[That's all a million bad signs.]
[Nobunaga instantly moves to pick Klaus up and put them in his lap.]
[How can he make this better? CAN he make this better?]
Okay. Deep breath. Take a deep breath for me, okay, love? [Gently folds his hands around Klaus' waist and rests his head on Klaus' shoulder.]
[Does he view Klaus as a weapon? This is the hardest question he's ever been asked. There's no right answer. Nobunaga thinks of EVERYONE as a weapon. This is the problem. Mai? Lucky Charm. Weapon. Yes. All of his soldiers? Yes. But that's different because they are explicitly his weapons. Generals too. People he hasn't met yet? Yes.]
[Partner.]
Not just a weapon? [A wince. Fuck. That's bad.]
[Nobunaga places a finger over Klaus' lips.]
I sent Oichi away. So she wouldn't... couldn't be a weapon. So I couldn't use her. Sell her or risk her breaking. In my contract with Teyrey, she's a weapon. But it's okay because she's in my army. You are not.
I've called you my sheathe before, yes? So in this way you are nearly an anti-weapon. You protect me, and others from me.
There is... nothing I do not think of as a weapon. Even ice cream. The only weapon I will never use is hate. I think I told you this before. I have seen the harm it causes, and it is the one weapon I won't use. But... yes. People... even you... I think of as weapons.
no subject
Date: 2022-11-28 08:58 am (UTC)[And it's probably a good thing he put his finger over their lips because they don't even know what to say. Not just a weapon.]
[The words do not help him feel any more settled than he just did. It's the truth at least, but they can feel the pricking sensation of tears forming and they look up trying to blink it away because that seems more reasonable than letting himself actually cry. But if Nobunaga notices that...Klaus doesn't want him to feel bad about it, so they're just gonna bury their face against his shoulder instead. That's obviously much better and much less obvious.]
[Even still, it doesn't stop his voice from sounding strained and thick.] I...I don't want to be a weapon. [This is just old trauma sitting there in his mind.] I just...just... [They do their best to draw in their breath slowly and quietly to hide the sound of how close to actually crying they really are.]
[And suddenly he just kind of wants to roll out of Nobunaga's lap and lie face down elsewhere. But he's also aware this would probably make things worse and he does believe Nobunaga is a good person. A person with a flawed view on the world because of his life, but...rational thinking is complicated in this moment.]
no subject
Date: 2022-11-28 09:06 am (UTC)[Shit.]
[Shit.]
Okay. I'm sorry. I won't... shit. I'm sorry.
[So yeah. There was definitely NO good way to ask the follow up. It's an answer.]
Klaus... Just be you, okay? You don't -- I don't want you to do things you hate anymore. I'm sorry.
[This was SO Much worse than broaching the torture by Imagawa to Ieyasu. Which is on Nobunaga for even trying. For thinking there was any possibly good way to go about this.]
It's-- [He thinks, what gesture might be okay, and oh so gently, like he could break Klaus with a touch, does his best to hold their hand.] I wasn't asking so I can use you as a weapon, okay? I know that doesn't fix it, I'm sorry, it's just important for you to know that.
no subject
Date: 2022-11-28 06:11 pm (UTC)[They just nod quietly as he says he can just be him. That's all he wants. He doesn't want to be a weapon. Really only wants to learn weapons to protect himself and make Diego annoyed if he ever shows up because now he can fight with weapons. Why would that annoy Diego? Klaus doesn't know. It just feels right.]
[He lets Nobunaga take his hand, fingers still carefully lacing because it's just a habit now.] W-what did you ask for? [Their voice is soft, very quiet.]
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Date: 2022-11-28 10:00 pm (UTC)[He laughs uneasily! Because it's really damn funny.]
I wanted to ask if there was a possible good way to tell someone you see them as a potential weapon for nefarious aims.
Clearly not!
Not you. You're the keeper of my soul, and I love you. But... as I said... [Everyone is weapon.]
Klaus, babe, I mean it. Clarke Griffin once asked me what I use as a weapon. There is nothing I do not. The terrain, floor, anything nearby. I... love that you make weapons very very sexy. I love this most, okay? [Kisses Klaus' knuckles and in between them.] I'm sorry for bringing up your father. I thought maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if he just told you all what he planned. If he just said, "I want to create my idea of a better world, and use you to get there." [Winces.] I suppose not.
I am truly sorry, my love.
[He hopes this just means Reginald is more like Saito Dosan than himself. Hopes. Though he still.... really worries.]
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Date: 2022-11-29 04:16 am (UTC)Can I just be your hot partner that you like most of everyone ever in the whole world? That's much better.
[They feel stupid still because it shouldn't have made them react that way. They should be able to deal with shit. That's what the trauma is for! To make you immune to the trauma, right? Shouldn't it be?]
We'd never have done it. [It's honest enough. But their dad never told them what he planned and it likely wasn't something that benefited them in the slightest.] And he...he's never given a shit about us or making a better world. Just getting what he wants at any cost.
[He hates this. Hates feeling like this. Hates that it's even a thing that still seems to bother him somehow.] Sorry I'm so...this. I'm sorry.
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Date: 2022-11-29 04:55 am (UTC)Again, not you. You are. Klaus... of course. You are my hot partner. That I love most of everyone and everything. You are my treasure I would build an army to protect. Or prevent other armies from being created so you never have to cry again.
[Cuddles! Resting one hand around Klaus' waist and grabbing the ice cream sandwich with the other to hold nearby if Klaus is able to try for it.]
You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. You are perfect as you are and I love this part of you too.
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Date: 2022-11-29 06:54 am (UTC)I'm probably going to cry again, but... [He lets out a long sigh.] Not everyone wants to be a weapon and you probably could just...not...do that. And I don't think you can do world domination here anyway.
[They're casually aware of the ice cream sandwich, but it's not something they actually care about right now. They're trying to find the way to...explain everything.] I'm not the only one that's...a lot of people have been forced into it and...and maybe like...don't come at it like that. Cause I know you're not...like my dad. My dad wouldn't have given a shit that I got upset. He would have probably used it against me or ignored it entirely.
You don't do that. [But he just...wants him to be very very careful anyway.] You just...it's probably not a great idea. Okay? No one needs to be a weapon.
[And now to address the other elephant in the room.] I'm not very hungry right now. I know it can't really wait, but I'll get a new one later. Okay? You can eat that one if you want.
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Date: 2022-11-29 05:46 pm (UTC)I'm not forcing anyone. That's the --
Okay, so there's two Oda mottos. Join or Die, and rule the world by force. [Finger back over Klaus' lips.]
However, join or die just meant I9 give people protection if they joined. Everyone dies somehow. And there's no escaping the wars in hell. I didn't draft everyone. Not everyone has to be a soldier. Merchants, smiths, farmers, artists, musicians, even circus performers, or puppeteers, all these things are important to my dream to return us back to Earth. Luxuries are important. I helped people pursue their ambitions of production, but not if they were dead set on working against me.
Rule the world by force is also... it means I'll do what it takes. Even if it's unpopular. Even though I'm hated. World domination here means freeing the ghosts, and everyone else who can be, giving purpose to those who feel lost like Teyrey, and pitting my ambition to achieve the best afterlife even against gods and would-be gods like the Captain. Instead of conquering,9 I intend to use him, and create a world here where people can still achieve their ambitions, even as copies.
To be a weapon who can do that... means that killing is pointless. [Kisses Klaus' temple.] It means you are so strong, I know you can persevere when things go wrong to protect my ambition, and not let anything disrupt it. It means you will let me use your body when I get frustrated and remind me of more important things. It means you are so indomitable, I can show Teyrey sumo throws, and you do not break. It means you have my heart.
Karkat is a troll species, like Eridan. Their society is very demonic. They must become world conquerors at the same age I had to. He said to put up with him talking, I must be a masochist. [Dark laugh.] How like myself, I suppose!
I said no, I just saw potential in him, and as a leader, I pride myself on making sure there are no weaknesses in all of my domain. There is no one so small I will not pay attention to them when they are having troubles. He mistook this to mean I wanted him to be a leader again, but I do not.
I do not have the words for this thing. The potential, and something else: the weapon. I knew I would have to be delicate in asking you, and I failed, but perhaps... it isn't a matter of correct words. Perhaps, "seeing your ambitions through furthers my own goals" is still too incredulous. Especially for a first meeting.
I know it is different, because Reginald raised you, and there's no escape from that, but....
I am sorry my love. I did not wish to remind you of terrible things. [Kisses Klaus' temple again!]
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Date: 2022-11-29 07:34 pm (UTC)I'm not sure we can use the Captain to further anything. I don't think that everyone wants to either. [There's a sigh here.] I'm...I can live with you thinking I'm a weapon because I can ignore it, but I don't want to be talked about like I'm a weapon. Please. I call umbrella on that. [At least his voice seems more certain, more sure now.]
[They think quietly for a moment, trying to get the rest of their thoughts in order.] Maybe all you needed to say was that you could see they were struggling and that you wanted to be there to support them. As a friend.
Babe, sometimes you say things and I know you're trying to help, but...like not everyone responds well to like...having someone push them if they don't want to be pushed. Sometimes you have to accept that someone doesn't want to be and that you need to like...be okay with that and instead of doubling down on things, like...let it be. [He looks up at him finally after what feels like forever.] Not everyone responds to things the same. Some people need time and softness. Some people do respond well to being pushed, but some just...don't. And you can't help people to realize anything about their potential if you aren't willing to adjust your approach to it.
[It feels bad to like...critique someone's general way of doing things, but...] Just talk to people normally and get to know how they best deal with things, what works and doesn't. Without your ambitions or anything being part of it. Okay?
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Date: 2022-11-29 08:24 pm (UTC)[Klaus =/= weapon. The one exception among the universe and everything in it now.]
[Is a partner a weapon? NOT ANYMORE.]
[And he gets it. Weapons can have purposes other than killing, or pain, but it is still their primary function. What they were made for. And furthermore, a weapon can be used by someone else to cause that pain. So it's double banned for Klaus, because Nobunaga will kill everyone else to prevent that from happening... He can't 100%, he cannot, but he can try really really hard. This is Klaus' freedom, so he will protect it.]
I cannot say that. You and Ari are wrong about me. I'm not good. I don't just meet someone and care that they're in pain except for how it benefits or hurts me.
I have 4 friends. Which is 4 more than I've ever had before here. You, Crichton, Teyrey, and Siffleur. [Hesitantly...] And I do not know how Maeve counts, but perhaps. I'm not looking for friends, and I am not capable of just --
[It's heartbreaking. He doesn't want to. But he picks Klaus up, and sets him back aside so he can get up and move, get space from Klaus, terrified he'll hurt them suddenly just by being like this, and talking about these things, by being so close physically or touching them.]
[Deep breath.] I am not capable of being normal. I do not understand what you or Crichton or Ari see in me, but it's not there. Don't expect so much from me. Just because I love you doesn't make me trustworthy. I can no sooner separate my ambition from how I treat people than I can stop loving you. It is an impossible request, do not ask it of me.
You're not a weapon. [Hoarse. So hoarse. And teetering on the edge of slipping his voice into demonic range.] That I can do. But normal people don't embrace being a demon. I am what I am, Klaus. Don't expect better, it's not something I can give. [He wonders if he should leave. Bolt. Go elsewhere to cool his head.]
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Date: 2022-11-29 09:08 pm (UTC)You... [There's a sigh.] You're... [They are really trying to think of the words, but the words are failing them.] You are something better. You just refused to acknowledge it for some reason. Like you're already giving up.
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Date: 2022-11-29 09:28 pm (UTC)You're just wrong.
The only thing that makes me better than Saito Dosan or others like him is that my ambition is more vast. And you tell me not to think of how others fit into it? Tch. You're very wrong, Klaus.
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Date: 2022-11-29 10:18 pm (UTC)[Frowns.] You are a good person. You might make mistakes or not understand things or push too hard when you shouldn't. [He wants to get closer, but also is trying to respect that Nobunaga needs space] But you just push people away every time they try to tell you that you're a good person. Tell them they're wrong.
[He can't help staring at his lap, fidgeting slightly.] You say you love me and you keep pushing me away when I say something that goes against the way that you perceive yourself. And you're... [He frowns. Change the language] It feels like you're not listening to me. I know we don't have the same way of looking at things sometimes and that's...that's trauma and life experiences. Things just being different.
And maybe I'm not listening a little, too. But I care about you so much. And I don't want you to...to make enemies because you can't figure out talking to different people. I don't want you to get hurt. Physically or emotionally because you say something and it rubs someone the wrong way and...stuff.
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Date: 2022-11-29 10:40 pm (UTC)[Pushing him away...]
[Emotionally... yeah.]
I am listening. [He comes back to the bed, kneeling in front of it so Klaus can put his hands wherever on Nobunaga. Not just look so sad and lost. Especially not for Nobunaga's sake.]
[Make enemies...]
[The whole world should hate him, right? Then it means they will at least work to the proper goals. Even if they use him like a god, then as long as they still hate him, then it means they'll fight to free themselves of gods too.]
[His minds is swirling with too many thoughts at once, so he has to box a lot of them up to focus on Klaus.]
I'm not hurt.
[Physically or emotionally. Is he? He doesn't know. He can tell Klaus is hurting though, so there's that.]
[And Nobunaga is scared. If he was stronger, he could say that. He's petrified. Scared to death of hurting Klaus more by being there, by being close, by asking these things. Scared of failing him, because he cannot be normal in his own world and time, how is he supposed to be normal now? Somewhere with so much culture clash, and ideas he doesn't understand, like privacy, and not treating people like weapons.]
I don't care if it rubs people the wrong way. [Gently picks up Klaus' hands and covers it tenderly in kisses.] Only you. [Because he doesn't like hurting Klaus. He hates it. More than anything. More than he hates the castes.]
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Date: 2022-11-29 11:06 pm (UTC)[That's a lie. Klaus isn't five.]
I don't know. I think you are because you seemed upset that you made Karkat upset...or think the wrong thing. I think you care more than you're willing to admit. [He smiles at the kisses, squirming his way off the bed. Once they are sitting on the floor, they reach out, pulling Nobunaga a little closer for a kiss.] It's okay to feel things, you know. I mean, I guess it's...fine if you don't, but you don't have to act like you don't if you do.
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Date: 2022-11-30 01:08 am (UTC)I didn't upset Karkat. [Quietly and he just gently pets Klaus' hair, remembering brushing it before, and already debating doing so again.] He was already upset. He barricaded off the library, and I offered to take him to get ice cream to talk through the pain he was experiencing.
He called me a masochist, and just -- [A headtilt, and he goes back to covering Klaus' knuckles in kisses, takes a deep breath, and hugs them very close, breathing softly into their shoulder.]
That is when I said it was because I saw potential in him. Not as a leader. Even though it reminded me of Ieyasu, I have already trained Ieyasu once. I could not do it again. And Clarke is who I will set the future on, maybe even more if she doesn't like it. I saw the potential in him as --
[A weapon.]
I am scared. [Quietly. Into Klaus' shoulder. And blinks away tears.] The idea that I hurt you... that I might, that I --
I know, you're a masochist, but not like this. Not for this. And this is not in my control. And I am... [Sighs into Klaus' shoulder.] Not able to promise to stop being myself. I don't want to be someone you don't love. I don't want to be someone even capable of hurting you -- in a way you do not like.
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Date: 2022-11-30 01:44 am (UTC)I don't know that I would call you a masochist. [You didn't have to be a masochist to enjoy nails down your back or the feeling of almost any of the things they'd done. He didn't ask if he wanted to be whipped or choked, but he seemed more interested in providing those things.] But...sometimes you do seem to like to punish yourself for things.
[Klaus runs his hands over Nobunaga's back.] I can set boundaries for myself if I have to. [Their voice is soft.] I don't want you to stop being you, babe. I love you. Even if you did some stuff and will still do some stuff. I just...would like you to try to consider things and if you need me to help you, I will. But you're not home and some things aren't the same. I tried to tell Ari the same thing, but she's...you're both so stubborn.
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Date: 2022-11-30 02:20 am (UTC)[Squints.] I'm still here. Having this conversation we both hate. But you shouldn't have to be on the floor with me. So if I have to be gentler on myself in order to give you the better things you deserve, I will.
[Growls lightly at the hands and hisses a breath through his teeth. Although not painful, at times like this, where he is emotional, and scared of hurting Klaus, all the more tender Klaus is to him, the more he cannot reconcile it to his head. The thinking he deserves the fires of hell, not the pleasures of heaven.]
I am the stubbornest man in history. If ever I meet someone more stubborn than me, I'll have to give up my Demon King of 6th Heaven title. And I am quite proud of it. All the more because I shouldn't be, it's not that kind of thing. [And took a genocide to achieve. So...]
Do not think you are not stubborn either, Lucky Number. You are even worse than Teyrey, and it is this I love about you as well.
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Date: 2022-11-30 02:44 am (UTC)[Klaus really is dealing with a very weird kitten. That's how he's viewing it. They are dating a cat. A very angry cat. Just growling for no reason.]
Liar. You'd never admit to someone being more stubborn than you and you'd never give them your title.
[They wrap their arms around Nobunaga even more.] And what am I stubborn about?
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Date: 2022-11-30 03:06 am (UTC)Damn right I won't. [Growl growls. And nips Klaus' nose tip.]
This, for starters. That I am good, even though I'm hurting you and making you remember things that makes you cry. That you are sexy trash, even though I refuse to throw you away. That you try to look after everyone, and still think you are only good for being pretty and superficial even though it's obviously not the case. That Ari had to write into her contract with me that I am not allowed to continue playing Siffleur's game, even though I would surely win eventually, because you shouldn't have to suffer and I should just look after you properly. If these things are not stubbornness, than I might as well give up my title already, because I clearly don't know what stubborn is.
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Date: 2022-11-30 03:57 am (UTC)[They listen, to all the things he has to say.]
You've upset me, yeah. And okay, sure. I cried. [He sighs.] But that's...if I ran away from it, then we'd never resolve it or talk it out and then we'd...we'd just always be here. [They don't want to mention that if they just never tried, they might have broken up because that seems dumb. Especially when he's said such likely truthful things.] I do kind of have dead boyfriend trauma. Sorry. Just...you already died once and that was...a lot. I know I can't stop you from dying all the time and I know that things will happen, but...I hate the idea of you going into things on purpose. I love you so much that...[There's a sad look on his face] It's just...hard. Which is part of you not...always considering other people before doing things.
I've learned that's...kind of a part of you. Of your being a demon king. You're not used to having to consider other people and I get it. Which is...why I'm asking you to. You're considering how your actions can further your goals, but not exactly how it's affecting...whoever else is involved. I'm trying to be okay with it, to accept it, but...it's difficult.
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Date: 2022-11-30 04:19 am (UTC)[Ugh... Klaus that's...]
[Completely and totally fair.]
[Nobunaga curls up around Klaus like a warm weighted blanket, or emotional support lion.]
That's not... actually... true. In Hell. I had to consider my entire army always. I wasn't allowed to do whatever I wanted. I was never free. I couldn't even sail away to go exploring without resolving the entire country first. I couldn't get injured or Hideyoshi would go insane, and try to get revenge, and try to become the Demon King instead, and he's better than that.
I do have to consider how... everything I do affects others. Including you, even though you are not a weapon to be used by anyone. You are just zen.
[HUG! HUG HUG HUG!]
The only other woman I ever loved was named Kitsuno. I hate hearing her name, so do not mention it outside of this.
She was tortured by--
[Oh. He's crying. Why is he crying?]
[He tries to blink it away, but it's still coming???] By the gods. I guess. Or health. Or just fate. I don't know. She was the world to me for a long time. [Stop crying.] I couldn't tell her I loved her, because politics, and she was dying, so it would have been cruel and pointless. When she died, the religious told me it was her time. That it was destiny, for her to be tortured, and die, and I just... couldn't accept it. I know if I made the country better, then--
[He would REALLY like to stop crying now.]
[Ugh, he just lays sideways and briefly covers his head with a pillow until he can compose himself.]
[And gently bops Klaus with the pillow when he's calm enough.]
So I ... I don't want you to feel like that. But even just looking after my soldiers is why Ari was able to write in the clause anyway. [Hiccup. And another light pillow bop.] It's not that I'm not thinking about how it could affect someone, if I was, I wouldn't have asked you in the first place. It's that... to me it's still worth the price. If the world is some kind of place that people get tortured and no one things it can get better, then it doesn't deserve to exist anyway. [Finger over Klaus' lips again.] But I know it can get better. I have seen it.
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